For the past few months, I’ve noticed my anxiety steadily increasing. It’s gone from random thoughts here and there to a continuous sense of dread and panic. My heart feels heavy in my chest and my shoulders are rigid, stiff.
I’ve been making every effort to combat the emotions, to focus on anything other than the fear. I know now that I’m going to really have to fight to overcome the emotions because they won’t go away on their own. However, none of my efforts seem to be able to quench them. I do everything I can to get my mind off the nervousness, but it doesn’t seem to work. Because before I realize it–I’m trapped in this bubble of negative thoughts.
I’d do anything to be rid of the fear but one step I’ve had to take is to stop lying to myself. I’m brutally honest with how I feel, and when something is and isn’t working for me anymore. One thing that hasn’t helped (and used to be a big source of comfort) was reading anxiety quotes. Now, I can honesty say that they do nothing for me and give me no relief.
The reason is because I understand that anxiety is within the mind and that it’s up to me to “control how I feel” and “see the big picture.” However, I obviously can’t do those things. Am I stuck with anxiety since I cannot control my emotions? You know what I mean? I understand it already– I get that I am the problem, that I am the cause of it all. But that stark assessment doesn’t provide me with any solution or make me feel comforted.
When editing a manuscript it is ridiculously easy to become blind to your own errors. Many of my mistakes slip by, even though I’ve really sharpen my editing skills. I’m still nothing close to perfect, English is just far too difficult to understand sometimes.
The more I learn, the less I know.
For example, I’m still struggling to fully differentiate between farther and further. This is probably one example of probably 10 other questions I’m currently researching. I’ve used both words in my own speaking interchangeably, but I’m starting to suspect now that many of those uses were incorrect.
With February Rain, the manuscript was edited numerous times, but when the printed book came out, a few errors stood out like a sore thumb. Thankfully, I was able to catch them and update the book in the amazon store.
After reviewing my newest printed copy, I can say with probably 95% confidence, the book is error-free. I’m one of those writers who will never ever claim to know everything there is to know. I’m always studying and striving to improve my skills and techniques, and I don’t think I’ve ever be perfect, even if I spend the next 50 years locked on a mountain with a bunch of grammar books. If that happened, I’m sure my language would find itself 50 years out of date, since language and always evolving and also, there is always and will be something new to learn.
Reading this version of the book without errors, I was finally able to dive into the poems. I really love this book because I’m still in so much love with the poems. Yes, I am the author, but I do not feel biased, because I usually hate everything that I write when I read it a short while later. I was very surprised to find that I still adore these poems and the images of other realities that it evokes within me. I usually question if I am capable of writing anything interesting, but I am still fascinated with February Rain.