The more time you spend around me, you might begin to wonder if I have an angry side. I don’t really show it to the outside world because I think that there’s enough negativity and I try not to add to it if I can. But I’m only human, and sometimes I have to say no to sticking my head in the sand.
I’ve had a situation in my life where people aren’t listening–people just don’t give a fuck. It’s tough sometimes because when people don’t care (or give the appearance that they don’t) it feels like you are being shamed for standing up for yourself. Others don’t want you to rock the boat because that would mean that they have to do something about it and the only thing they want to do is sit on their phone and waste away. But at the same time, I didn’t ask to be in this situation and I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to it.
Sometimes, it feels like people don’t want you to fight back. I’m sure I feel this way in part because of my perspective, but man, it really does feel like this sometimes. I don’t want to be pushed aside because I’m standing up for myself. No one knows how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, and it makes me really mad when I gather all of this courage and am shamed for it.
For the upcoming week, I drew the 7 of Ghosts. This card parallels the non-Halloween version of this card, the 7 of cups. Picking this card couldn’t have been more timely, as I recently had an epiphany about how out of touch I’ve been with reality. I’ve become more conscious to how negative my thoughts are and how dark my reality can be in comparison to actual life.
This is a card that represents avoiding delusions of grandeur and not be grounded in real life. The 7 of Ghosts also means having a wild imagination and living in a dream world.
Illusions aren’t always fanciful and amazing–I find that they can often be rather terrifying. Fake thoughts can hold such power over of our lives and cause us to procrastinate and stall. It’s important to be able to decipher what is an overactive or healthy imagination.
To be honest, I’m no longer able to tell what is an adequate amount of dreaming and what is self-deception.
My goal for this week is to focus on being grounded in the present moment, and to not procrastinate on any task that I have this week. I think the secret to not having idle dreams is to always be working on bringing them to life. I don’t want to overdo it, but at the same time, I’d rather be overdoing it in reality instead of overdoing with toxic thoughts…
I’ve allowed life to pass me by and I’ve been stuck in one hell of a rut. I’ve lost my way–any sense of direction. I want to be creative again, even if it’s simple, small stuff.
Even if I’m just scribbling doodles on a piece of scrap paper, I just want to be true to my artistic nature.
I’m annoyed with myself from wasting so much time focusing on the wrong things in life. I can’t get that time back and all I can think about is how many great ideas I lost by not giving them the time of day. Being an adult is about rediscovering what is important to you, and I’ve made the wrong things important to me for a long time.
I don’t want anything tangible anymore, I just want to make stuff again…
-Images from Pixabay.com
I figured now would be the perfect time to whip out my Halloween Tarot deck by Kipling West. This deck is full of inspiration for Halloween–a whirl of colorful and strange characters that suck you into their spooky world. It’s a place full of magic and intrigue.
In terms of a question, I just asked the cards for a general overview card. I didn’t harbor a specific inquiry or have anything in particular that I wanted an answer for. When I have no clear direction–I tend to draw one card.
5 of Bats (Reversed) is the first card for this season. Traditionally–the 5 of Bats (or Swords) means an ending of conflict or a resolution of some kind. Something that you struggling with will be resolved; forgiveness will be granted.
However, the interpretation of the 5 of Bats has its own meaning. Reversed, the 5 of Bats means Empty Victory. Foolish Pride. Weakness. Refusing to accept bullying.
When I receive readings that are less than stellar–I actually don’t view them in a bad light. I am thankful for the chance to slow down and avoid problems. With a card like this, I interpret it as a caution to take a step back and not allow pride or weakness to lead to an empty victory.
There are so many things I want to accomplish, to “win” at and I’ve absolutely caught myself creating waste from haste. I am grateful for the reminder to just slow down and not allow pride or weakness to get in the way and lead to self-sabotage. It’s so easy for my emotions to take control when there’s something out there that I really want.
-Cooking with my cast-iron cauldron (I’ve had it for a year, haven’t tried it once)
-Playing around with my apple butter recipe (Though it always turns out too sweet)
-Breaking out the giant tubs of Halloween decor (I prefer being vomited in Halloween)
-Sharing a few Halloween poems that I’m writing (Anything to evoke the season)
-Being honest with my debt issues, no longer being in denial about my problems (Denial can be really tricky for me to navigate most times).
-Starting to write my stories again (even if it’s crap, just write)
-Spending time with old friends (I hate realizing that some people I might see once a year)
-Getting lost in any book (seriously, ANY book)
-Living life by my own definitions (trying incredible hard not to lose my authentic self…a true struggle for me)
For the past few months, I’ve noticed my anxiety steadily increasing. It’s gone from random thoughts here and there to a continuous sense of dread and panic. My heart feels heavy in my chest and my shoulders are rigid, stiff.
I’ve been making every effort to combat the emotions, to focus on anything other than the fear. I know now that I’m going to really have to fight to overcome the emotions because they won’t go away on their own. However, none of my efforts seem to be able to quench them. I do everything I can to get my mind off the nervousness, but it doesn’t seem to work. Because before I realize it–I’m trapped in this bubble of negative thoughts.
I’d do anything to be rid of the fear but one step I’ve had to take is to stop lying to myself. I’m brutally honest with how I feel, and when something is and isn’t working for me anymore. One thing that hasn’t helped (and used to be a big source of comfort) was reading anxiety quotes. Now, I can honesty say that they do nothing for me and give me no relief.
The reason is because I understand that anxiety is within the mind and that it’s up to me to “control how I feel” and “see the big picture.” However, I obviously can’t do those things. Am I stuck with anxiety since I cannot control my emotions? You know what I mean? I understand it already– I get that I am the problem, that I am the cause of it all. But that stark assessment doesn’t provide me with any solution or make me feel comforted.
It’s been a challenging week in regards to staying true to some major decisions I made a few months back. It can be tough to make big changes for a variety of reasons; a lot of times life will not welcome these bold moves for one reason or another. When you try to take a step forward, there will be obstacles to try to push you back a few paces.
I made a choice a few months ago to cut some toxic people from my life. People whose existence does nothing but stress and antagonize me. I’m by no means, a fair weathered friend. These were people that I’ve stuck by for years and years but they just are incapable of change. I can tell that the further we continue the relationship, the more it’s them depending on me, me being there for them. I’m at a point in my life where large changes are very necessary. There is no way that I can focus on healing and improving my life and keeping up with those folks.
It can be tough to say no to codependent people, because immediately they cling and fight to stay close. It’s challenging enough to wake up and say that some relationships are too toxic, these people are wrong, and then to have deal with their begging and pleading for you to not give up on them. I never say anything mean to people, and I make every effort to treat others with the utmost respect. So for me, I’m not telling these people to “f off,” I am merely giving myself a respectable distance from them.
As much as it sucks to deal with codependent people, I am grateful for the clarity to see them for who they really are and the wisdom to know that they shouldn’t be around. The reason that cutting out toxic people can be so healing because not only is their negative influence not around, but you are telling yourself that you are worth more than that.