Fighting Back

Fighting Back

The more time you spend around me, you might begin to wonder if I have an angry side. I don’t really show it to the outside world because I think that there’s enough negativity and I try not to add to it if I can. But I’m only human, and sometimes I have to say no to sticking my head in the sand.

I’ve had a situation in my life where people aren’t listening–people just don’t give a fuck. It’s tough sometimes because when people don’t care (or give the appearance that they don’t) it feels like you are being shamed for standing up for yourself. Others don’t want you to rock the boat because that would mean that they have to do something about it and the only thing they want to do is sit on their phone and waste away. But at the same time, I didn’t ask to be in this situation and I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to it.

Sometimes, it feels like people don’t want you to fight back. I’m sure I feel this way in part because of my perspective, but man, it really does feel like this sometimes. I don’t want to be pushed aside because I’m standing up for myself. No one knows how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, and it makes me really mad when I gather all of this courage and am shamed for it.

 

Wanna Hide Tonight

Wanna Hide Tonight

Of course, it’s Sunday evening.

Whenever I look, it always the end of a day.

I only want to stay in my room and hide for the rest of the week. I’m anxious because I have so many changes that I am working on implementing in my life. I get highly annoyed with myself because it’s like I want things to stay the same crappy way that they have always been. I know this isn’t the case, I want change. But when I think about all of the different factors that have to change, I get really nervous.

I can’t seem to control it.

I’m afraid that things are gonna fall apart, that the attempt of change will just be too tough. I worry that I’m going to make things worse than they already are. I’m afraid that I am never going to be able to figure it out, that things are going to stay as they are. I think this line of thinking comes from failing so much in my personal projects.

These projects sometimes seem like my only way out. And when they fail, I feel like I really have nothing after that.