Fighting Back

Fighting Back

The more time you spend around me, you might begin to wonder if I have an angry side. I don’t really show it to the outside world because I think that there’s enough negativity and I try not to add to it if I can. But I’m only human, and sometimes I have to say no to sticking my head in the sand.

I’ve had a situation in my life where people aren’t listening–people just don’t give a fuck. It’s tough sometimes because when people don’t care (or give the appearance that they don’t) it feels like you are being shamed for standing up for yourself. Others don’t want you to rock the boat because that would mean that they have to do something about it and the only thing they want to do is sit on their phone and waste away. But at the same time, I didn’t ask to be in this situation and I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to it.

Sometimes, it feels like people don’t want you to fight back. I’m sure I feel this way in part because of my perspective, but man, it really does feel like this sometimes. I don’t want to be pushed aside because I’m standing up for myself. No one knows how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, and it makes me really mad when I gather all of this courage and am shamed for it.

 

Sticking By Tough Decisions

Sticking By Tough Decisions

It’s been a challenging week in regards to staying true to some major decisions I made a few months back. It can be tough to make big changes for a variety of reasons; a lot of times life will not welcome these bold moves for one reason or another. When you try to take a step forward, there will be obstacles to try to push you back a few paces.

I made a choice a few months ago to cut some toxic people from my life. People whose existence does nothing but stress and antagonize me. I’m by no means, a fair weathered friend. These were people that I’ve stuck by for years and years but they just are incapable of change. I can tell that the further we continue the relationship, the more it’s them depending on me, me being there for them. I’m at a point in my life where large changes are very necessary. There is no way that I can focus on healing and improving my life and keeping up with those folks.

It can be tough to say no to codependent people, because immediately they cling and fight to stay close. It’s challenging enough to wake up and say that some relationships are too toxic, these people are wrong, and then to have deal with their begging and pleading for you to not give up on them. I never say anything mean to people, and I make every effort to treat others with the utmost respect. So for me, I’m not telling these people to “f off,” I am merely giving myself a respectable distance from them.

As much as it sucks to deal with codependent people, I am grateful for the clarity to see them for who they really are and the wisdom to know that they shouldn’t be around. The reason that cutting out toxic people can be so healing because not only is their negative influence not around, but you are telling yourself that you are worth more than that.

Taking Back my Projects

Taking Back my Projects

For the past few months, I have been in survival mode. It’s only been about making it through the day, just completing the most essential of tasks. I am starting to realize that I wasn’t very good at handling my disappointment with a few people in my life, and I bottled everything up and hibernated. I gave them all of my power, and I allowed them to take complete control of my life.

I know that I need to stop blaming them too, I think the reason I have is because it’s been hard for me to process this emotion of disappointment. I don’t do things for others because I expect anything back–the disappointment comes from hoping they will show up in some form or another for you, but they don’t at all.

You aren’t worth anything for them, when they meant so much to them. It can be a really tough pill to shallow, and I’ve had a hell of a time managing to this, but I’m starting to see the light at the end of tunnel. I am starting to see how much healthier and happier my life can be without them. And with this healing taking place, I’m starting to pick up my writing projects again.

Earlier this year, I self published February Rain which was an accomplishment that brought me a lot of joy. For me, the success comes from finishing the project. I had an idea for another poetry book but I haven’t made any effort on it. I’m starting to scribble ideas down and I can feel the momentum building.

My hope is in a few months, I’ll be able to write every day, and take back my projects.

Healing from Dysfunction

Healing from Dysfunction

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve worked my crappy job, every day I have literally woken up in relief. I feel at peace to not have to be subjected to such a toxic establishment and am eternally grateful for the normalcy of my new job.

People don’t know how bad it was, and I don’t want to bring it up and or rehash the past or anything. I just feel so grateful to be gone from that. I do get a sense that some people like to complain about work in general but I want those people to know that some jobs really can be a lot more awful than others. I have lost all of my complaints about work, I truly have nothing to complain about.

Even Monday, I don’t say “oh it’s Monday” anymore. Monday doesn’t bother me, because any day of the week at a shit job just sucks. I can see now a few weeks out, how dysfunctional it really was. I am only upset that I allowed myself to be in such an environment for so long. I wish I had gotten out months ago, but in a weird way, I see that going through terrible circumstances really changes you, it will make you stronger and wiser in a way that you may not understand–until it is over.

 

Hitting a Creative Block

Hitting a Creative Block

From a creative standpoint, I have hit a block.

Whether it be writing, drawing, or music, I have been stalled in the creation process. I think for the past couple of months, I have tried too hard. I pushed myself to write, paint, craft–create anything that I could come up with.

I feel like a runaway train that has finally crashed, unable to will herself to move forward. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve made a lot of changes in my personal life, recently leaving a toxic job. I identified with certain people, expectations, and beliefs, and various amounts of these three aspects had to be let go.  To be a bit more specific (since I can tell how vague I am coming off) I am thinking of a few people that I spent so much time with, thought we were good friends, acquaintances, whatever. But in the end, they just ended up showing their true colors–coming off uncaring and cold.

On one level, I understand that this is who they’ve always been, and I was doing my best to see the best in people who were essentially jerks. I just feel upset though that they couldn’t be anything better in the end, and that I allowed myself to keep trying to believe in them. I know it’s my fault for continuing to invest in them, but I have let them go this week. They can go on and keep being them, I’m not going to extend myself any further for them.

While it’s extremely healing to release toxic people from your life, I have been too overwhelmed with emotion and change to channel myself into my creative projects. The problem has been, I’ve always been way too sensitive and I feel far too much on a deeper level. On the plus side, I have enough self-awareness to see when I am wrong, see when I am being too sensitive, feeling too much. I can recognize my errors no problem.

What I can’t seem to do sometimes is to find my way out and back to the land of creation.

Elon Musk: Shaping Our Futures

Elon Musk: Shaping Our Futures

I am a big fan of the Biographics channel and would recommend checking out as many of their videos as you can. I’ve always enjoyed the videos from host Simon Whistler, he seems to delight in learning things for the sake of learning as much as I do. Sometimes I feel like the only nerd out there who wants to feed her brain with as much random and interesting knowledge as she can. Simon seems to be the same, which gives me hope that there are others out there.

With the Biographics channel, you’ll find interesting biographies on a variety of eccentric people. Well, anyone who accomplished anything crazy came off eccentric in one way or another, which also gives me hope that it’s ok to be strange and weird.

Circling back to Elon’s video, what I found strange about him was how he doesn’t allow the impossibility of the obstacle to affect him. Well, even if he does, he still sets out to create the future he wants–which I really found inspiring. Every business idea of his was shot down by the haters who said it couldn’t be done. If I was starting a business with a big idea and a slew of people spoke their disapproval, I’d really doubt myself and feel like I was probably making a bad mistake. But not Elon, when people said space travel couldn’t be handled by anyone other than NASA, well, look who got the contract from them to work on building rockets.

I think I connected with his story for many reasons, but one reason was how I often think that my ideas are dumb, even if no one says they are, I just really doubt myself and expect the worst. But Elon still has people who disagree with his vision and he is still bringing it to life. I think all of us can find such great inspiration in that.

Believing in our ideas, visions, and dreams are what help us to create the life we want.

Source:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClnDI2sdehVm1zm_LmUHsjQ

Hermit Saturday

Hermit Saturday

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Hiding from the world today, writing my heart out. These days are rare and I am thankful that I get even this one. Sometimes, writing is the only way I stop myself from saying or doing something that I truly regret. My anger can really bottle up, bubbles of rage that threaten to boil over.

It’s not that I wish that people would do what I say or that things have to go my way. What I wish for is for the vitriol and hate that people spit at me to dial down. I never treat anyone with cruelness and I always send such positivity into their lives. I’m not saying that everyone has to treat me super kind, especially if that isn’t who they are. All I want is a basic level of respect. If they have something to say, even if it’s a complaint, why do they speak with such a clear intention to hurt?

Why can’t they say what they feel with the same respect that I give them? I just don’t want to be someone’s punching bag, but at the end of the day the truth remains: you just cannot control people. And that’s why I write–write everything out. Because it’s still a tough pill for me to swallow–that kindness doesn’t equate someone treating you with the basic level of common decency. You can truly do so much for someone and be guaranteed less than nothing. In these circumstances, I just wish that I could receive nothing back, because it’s less than nothing is so much worse.

My hope is that writing will ease the sting of negativity and that sadness will be replaced with inner strength…