Fighting Back

Fighting Back

The more time you spend around me, you might begin to wonder if I have an angry side. I don’t really show it to the outside world because I think that there’s enough negativity and I try not to add to it if I can. But I’m only human, and sometimes I have to say no to sticking my head in the sand.

I’ve had a situation in my life where people aren’t listening–people just don’t give a fuck. It’s tough sometimes because when people don’t care (or give the appearance that they don’t) it feels like you are being shamed for standing up for yourself. Others don’t want you to rock the boat because that would mean that they have to do something about it and the only thing they want to do is sit on their phone and waste away. But at the same time, I didn’t ask to be in this situation and I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to it.

Sometimes, it feels like people don’t want you to fight back. I’m sure I feel this way in part because of my perspective, but man, it really does feel like this sometimes. I don’t want to be pushed aside because I’m standing up for myself. No one knows how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, and it makes me really mad when I gather all of this courage and am shamed for it.

 

Korean Pear Confusion

Korean Pear Confusion

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Are Korean pears supposed to be this crunchy?

I’m not really sure–they taste sweet and fruity but so, so crunchy.

Like baby apple crunchy or fresh-picked melon.

The flavor is sweet and light (though I’m not getting an intense pear flavor) with a water chestnut-like texture.

Why??

I’ve had these for a few weeks, maybe I messed up?

I’m usually a big fan of fruit but texture really is my thang. I can’t handle weird texture above all else.

Receiving Some Big Magic

Receiving Some Big Magic

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An early Christmas present to myself, some creative healing!! 

I don’t think I will ever be able to express my gratitude to Liz Gilbert for her incredible read, Big Magic. 

I am about halfway through the book and have received more “Aha” moments than I can count. I find such connection Liz’s words–because they are so in touch with many thoughts that circulate throughout my own brain. She directly addresses so many of my own negative thoughts about living creativity and she does this in a precise manner. (Ex: my constant worry that I am not original enough). This makes it very clear to me that she has dealt with many of vicious thoughts that I have but she is strong and overcomes them. She doesn’t try to destroy the fear that always shadows the creative, she expects fear but doesn’t allow it to take over.

Her battles with her own insecurities has thought me that there is no level of success that can fully strip you of those fears. They will on some level, always be there. The real sadness comes allowing the insecurities to dominate you, until you lose all ability to create anything. I love writing but also any form of craft, of art.

And I’ve allowed it to nearly all be taken away from, because I was simply too afraid to create. I find that to be really sad. I can’t get those years back but thankfully, I am still alive and have another shot to try. Trying doesn’t mean aspiring for material and financial success, trying means just living a creative experience. I love that Liz reminds us that we are all creative beings and she doesn’t subscribe to that elitist stance that only the most talented artists are allowed to be creative. To be honest, my favorite artists (not that my opinion really matters, I am a true nobody) are the people who aren’t perfect, they are just wholly themselves.

Reading this far into Big Magic, I was touched by how grounded and clear Liz is about living creatively, without having to become that archetype of the tortured artist. I think we need more books like this, and I can’t wait to finish this book and continue being lost in her words. I love the idea of being creative from a healthy place, not hurting yourself for the sake of your art.

#bigmagic

Skipping the Company Work Party

Skipping the Company Work Party

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I just want this weekend to never end. In a weird way, it has stretched past more than normal. It almost seems like it’s been a few more days than two. Yesterday, I was supposed to attend my company work party, but I ended up not feeling up for it.

I don’t mean to be negative but I am really over the encroachment of my personal/professional lives. I do not want to attend anymore work functions outside of fluffing work. The time that I dedicate to my employer is enough and I want my personal time left alone.

Even though I usually feel down when I “miss out” on social gatherings, I really content to not attend. It was nice to just scribble in my journal and figure some things out. Most of the people go anyways because of the lure of money, which means nothing to me because if the statistics of winning goes down every year. Everybody talks about the stupid money, therefore, causing more and more people to go more for a desperate chance rather than enjoyment or letting off steam.

I understand that the company wants to incentivize the party and encourage people to go, but the desperation is obvious and unappealing to me. I would rather see people get together out of mutual affection for one another rather than a selfish reason.

Image credit: pixabay.com