The more time you spend around me, you might begin to wonder if I have an angry side. I don’t really show it to the outside world because I think that there’s enough negativity and I try not to add to it if I can. But I’m only human, and sometimes I have to say no to sticking my head in the sand.
I’ve had a situation in my life where people aren’t listening–people just don’t give a fuck. It’s tough sometimes because when people don’t care (or give the appearance that they don’t) it feels like you are being shamed for standing up for yourself. Others don’t want you to rock the boat because that would mean that they have to do something about it and the only thing they want to do is sit on their phone and waste away. But at the same time, I didn’t ask to be in this situation and I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to it.
Sometimes, it feels like people don’t want you to fight back. I’m sure I feel this way in part because of my perspective, but man, it really does feel like this sometimes. I don’t want to be pushed aside because I’m standing up for myself. No one knows how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, and it makes me really mad when I gather all of this courage and am shamed for it.
I’ve allowed life to pass me by and I’ve been stuck in one hell of a rut. I’ve lost my way–any sense of direction. I want to be creative again, even if it’s simple, small stuff.
Even if I’m just scribbling doodles on a piece of scrap paper, I just want to be true to my artistic nature.
I’m annoyed with myself from wasting so much time focusing on the wrong things in life. I can’t get that time back and all I can think about is how many great ideas I lost by not giving them the time of day. Being an adult is about rediscovering what is important to you, and I’ve made the wrong things important to me for a long time.
I don’t want anything tangible anymore, I just want to make stuff again…
-Images from Pixabay.com
-Cooking with my cast-iron cauldron (I’ve had it for a year, haven’t tried it once)
-Playing around with my apple butter recipe (Though it always turns out too sweet)
-Breaking out the giant tubs of Halloween decor (I prefer being vomited in Halloween)
-Sharing a few Halloween poems that I’m writing (Anything to evoke the season)
-Being honest with my debt issues, no longer being in denial about my problems (Denial can be really tricky for me to navigate most times).
-Starting to write my stories again (even if it’s crap, just write)
-Spending time with old friends (I hate realizing that some people I might see once a year)
-Getting lost in any book (seriously, ANY book)
-Living life by my own definitions (trying incredible hard not to lose my authentic self…a true struggle for me)
It’s been a challenging week in regards to staying true to some major decisions I made a few months back. It can be tough to make big changes for a variety of reasons; a lot of times life will not welcome these bold moves for one reason or another. When you try to take a step forward, there will be obstacles to try to push you back a few paces.
I made a choice a few months ago to cut some toxic people from my life. People whose existence does nothing but stress and antagonize me. I’m by no means, a fair weathered friend. These were people that I’ve stuck by for years and years but they just are incapable of change. I can tell that the further we continue the relationship, the more it’s them depending on me, me being there for them. I’m at a point in my life where large changes are very necessary. There is no way that I can focus on healing and improving my life and keeping up with those folks.
It can be tough to say no to codependent people, because immediately they cling and fight to stay close. It’s challenging enough to wake up and say that some relationships are too toxic, these people are wrong, and then to have deal with their begging and pleading for you to not give up on them. I never say anything mean to people, and I make every effort to treat others with the utmost respect. So for me, I’m not telling these people to “f off,” I am merely giving myself a respectable distance from them.
As much as it sucks to deal with codependent people, I am grateful for the clarity to see them for who they really are and the wisdom to know that they shouldn’t be around. The reason that cutting out toxic people can be so healing because not only is their negative influence not around, but you are telling yourself that you are worth more than that.
For the past few months, I have been in survival mode. It’s only been about making it through the day, just completing the most essential of tasks. I am starting to realize that I wasn’t very good at handling my disappointment with a few people in my life, and I bottled everything up and hibernated. I gave them all of my power, and I allowed them to take complete control of my life.
I know that I need to stop blaming them too, I think the reason I have is because it’s been hard for me to process this emotion of disappointment. I don’t do things for others because I expect anything back–the disappointment comes from hoping they will show up in some form or another for you, but they don’t at all.
You aren’t worth anything for them, when they meant so much to them. It can be a really tough pill to shallow, and I’ve had a hell of a time managing to this, but I’m starting to see the light at the end of tunnel. I am starting to see how much healthier and happier my life can be without them. And with this healing taking place, I’m starting to pick up my writing projects again.
Earlier this year, I self published February Rain which was an accomplishment that brought me a lot of joy. For me, the success comes from finishing the project. I had an idea for another poetry book but I haven’t made any effort on it. I’m starting to scribble ideas down and I can feel the momentum building.
My hope is in a few months, I’ll be able to write every day, and take back my projects.
There’s something about the night in summer that is more calming to me than the nights of winter. Throughout this past season, I felt like the nights were far too long and dark. The endless night stretched towards infinity, threatening at any instance to swallow me up.
But I feel at peace now, so grateful for the changing season of both nature and life. I’m so thankful that things don’t have to remain the same, that life has its own way of moving on.
When scrolling through pinterest the other day, I came across the following bit of sound advice: Appreciate how far you’ve come.
I can’t resonate with this quote enough.
Sometimes the days blend together and every day feels like one copy of another. But when you look back, you see that there was a change, that life isn’t the same as a few months ago.