Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity

Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity

I’ve allowed life to pass me by and I’ve been stuck in one hell of a rut. I’ve lost my way–any sense of direction. I want to be creative again, even if it’s simple, small stuff.

Even if I’m just scribbling doodles on a piece of scrap paper, I just want to be true to my artistic nature.

I’m annoyed with myself from wasting so much time focusing on the wrong things in life. I can’t get that time back and all I can think about is how many great ideas I lost by not giving them the time of day. Being an adult is about rediscovering what is important to you, and I’ve made the wrong things important to me for a long time.

I don’t want anything tangible anymore, I just want to make stuff again…

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Struggling with Negative Thoughts

Struggling with Negative Thoughts

For the past few months, I’ve noticed my anxiety steadily increasing. It’s gone from random thoughts here and there to a continuous sense of dread and panic. My heart feels heavy in my chest and my shoulders are rigid, stiff.

I’ve been making every effort to combat the emotions, to focus on anything other than the fear. I know now that I’m going to really have to fight to overcome the emotions because they won’t go away on their own. However, none of my efforts seem to be able to quench them. I do everything I can to get my mind off the nervousness, but it doesn’t seem to work. Because before I realize it–I’m trapped in this bubble of negative thoughts.

I’d do anything to be rid of the fear but one step I’ve had to take is to stop lying to myself. I’m brutally honest with how I feel, and when something is and isn’t working for me anymore. One thing that hasn’t helped (and used to be a big source of comfort) was reading anxiety quotes. Now, I can honesty say that they do nothing for me and give me no relief.

The reason is because I understand that anxiety is within the mind and that it’s up to me to “control how I feel” and “see the big picture.” However, I obviously can’t do those things. Am I stuck with anxiety since I cannot control my emotions? You know what I mean? I understand it already– I get that I am the problem, that I am the cause of it all. But that stark assessment doesn’t provide me with any solution or make me feel comforted.

Sparking Joy in the New Year

Sparking Joy in the New Year


I’ve owned Marie Kondo’s books for a while now, but have failed to take the time to read them. I often feel too rushed to curl up with a book. But after enjoying one episode of her new Netflix series, I pushed myself to make time to read. It’s always going to be busy and I no longer want this to be an excuse anymore.

I’m intrigued by Marie’s KonMari organizational method because of its different approach. I’ve never completed any of the steps of KonMari before and sure enough, I’ve never been able to master being organized. If I see myself constantly failing at something, I’m one of those people who isn’t stubborn in the slightest. If I keep screwing up, I’m sure I’m the common denominator and I’m more than happy to abandon everything I know and try something different.

The main discrepancy between my old approach and the KonMari method is the focus. In the past, I would just focus on cleaning rooms. Marie says that this avenue doesn’t work–cleaning rooms is mostly shuffling stuff from one room to another. And this is accurate, as I mainly just stuff things where I can. No surprise, the mess always returns. Nowadays, I just don’t have the time to keep redoing my work, so I’ve just stopped cleaning. I’m sure an outsider would call this laziness, for me it’s frustration. The work I do is undone, it’s my fault it’s undone, and I don’t know how to make it better. I know it’s me, I know I’m not doing something correctly, but I don’t have time to just keep wasting my time.

Hence why I’ve turned to really delving into the KonMari method–to have an expert tell me what to do to get on track. What’s great about books is that the expert can be there in spirit, guiding you on a better path. What I love about reading Marie’s book, Spark Joy is that she is not stating the obvious. Many of her insights are completely illuminating, and I’ve found myself asking new questions about my organizational process.

My biggest question has been: what sparks joy in my life?

Sadly, I don’t have the slightest insight into what possessions give me joy. I’ve always seen my clutter as an enemy, it’s tough to think about it in a positive way. But I see why I have so much stuff, because it’s impossible for me to discern what I really treasure. I can tell that this will be a process and that I’m going to have to work on it every day. Well, at least it’s the new year and I can’t think of a more timely moment to begin a new journey.

My Vision of Success?

My Vision of Success?

My last few posts have fallen on the negative side and I truly wish there was no need to travel such a low path.

The reason that I’ve allowed myself to remain honest with how I feel is because I value emotional truth. I just don’t think that lying to oneself does any favors but suppress an uncomfortable sensation. For me, attempting to stamp out any unpleasant emotions does nothing but ensure a future explosion.

I had an idea today that I wanted to try to see if I could help myself head towards genuine positivity: my vision of success. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel depressed and anxious and it has a lot to do with being unable to change my current circumstances. I have no issue toughing  every day existence–I just want to know when it will all be over. But the problem is, I can’t say when ‘over’ will be. So that’s why I thought about taking out my journal and really contemplating what my vision of success would be. Perhaps if I honestly wrote on paper what I’m looking for in this life, that would give me that answer of what the ‘end’ would be of my crappy situation?

I am not sure but it is worth a try.



Attempting to Separate Myself from My Emotions…

Attempting to Separate Myself from My Emotions…


The past few weeks have left me inundated with sadness. I have tried every attempt to cheer myself up but it has resulted in nothing but poor decisions and impulse purchases. I wish that shopping wasn’t such a cathartic experience because I just stack on my debt this way. Unfortunately, nothing but buying has been able to keep my mind off my negative emotions.

I have tried and tried to determine what is causing my glum mood but I know that it is too many different factors. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve outgrown much of my life and just feel so powerless to change my current circumstances. Every type of change requires so many countless steps that I just can’t keep up with it. For example, I’ve been trying to eliminate the paper clutter in my place. I have stacks and stacks of paper to sort and deal with. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal–however–I have tons of important documents I have to keep and so it can’t just be a simple task of dumping all the papers in a shredder. I have to sort, evaluate, and work through every fucking sheet and it can’t just be a “one and done task.”

I feel this way about everything in my life that I need to change. Don’t get me wrong–I am willing to do the work and have no problem taking accountability for my actions and the mistakes I have made. The problem comes in being simply overwhelmed by the complexity of everything. There is not “one and done” change that I can make in my life. Everything is has to be sorted, evaluated, and worked through. The only quick task I can complete is to separate myself from my negativity, sadness. I understand that I feel really low but I am still separating myself from these feelings–doing everything to not allow them to consume me…


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Lost in Anxiety

Lost in Anxiety

I am not certain why each day has left me more and more anxious. I feel like I am doing everything wrong and couldn’t be more lost.

There’s so many things that I need to change–to mend–and I can’t figure out where to begin. I don’t know why I struggle so much to figure out my life. I am a constant seeker of knowledge–running to the self-help books and guides with the hopes that I will acquire the wisdom required to fix everything. But the lessons I apply from my readings simply aren’t working.

Years ago, I seemed to have everything figured out–even though I was absolutely headed nowhere in my life. The lack of ascension didn’t really seem to matter, because I was hopeful every day and took action every day. Now, all the hope has burned out. I’m left with anxiety, uncertainty for the future, and fear.

I just want to hide from it all–disappear from my problems. I treasure life so much, and that’s why I detest being so consumed with these negative emotions…


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