Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity

Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity


I’ve allowed life to pass me by and I’ve been stuck in one hell of a rut. I’ve lost my way–any sense of direction. I want to be creative again, even if it’s simple, small stuff.

Even if I’m just scribbling doodles on a piece of scrap paper, I just want to be true to my artistic nature.

I’m annoyed with myself from wasting so much time focusing on the wrong things in life. I can’t get that time back and all I can think about is how many great ideas I lost by not giving them the time of day. Being an adult is about rediscovering what is important to you, and I’ve made the wrong things important to me for a long time.

I don’t want anything tangible anymore, I just want to make stuff again…

Credit:
-Images from Pixabay.com

Hitting a Creative Block

Hitting a Creative Block

From a creative standpoint, I have hit a block.

Whether it be writing, drawing, or music, I have been stalled in the creation process. I think for the past couple of months, I have tried too hard. I pushed myself to write, paint, craft–create anything that I could come up with.

I feel like a runaway train that has finally crashed, unable to will herself to move forward. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve made a lot of changes in my personal life, recently leaving a toxic job. I identified with certain people, expectations, and beliefs, and various amounts of these three aspects had to be let go.  To be a bit more specific (since I can tell how vague I am coming off) I am thinking of a few people that I spent so much time with, thought we were good friends, acquaintances, whatever. But in the end, they just ended up showing their true colors–coming off uncaring and cold.

On one level, I understand that this is who they’ve always been, and I was doing my best to see the best in people who were essentially jerks. I just feel upset though that they couldn’t be anything better in the end, and that I allowed myself to keep trying to believe in them. I know it’s my fault for continuing to invest in them, but I have let them go this week. They can go on and keep being them, I’m not going to extend myself any further for them.

While it’s extremely healing to release toxic people from your life, I have been too overwhelmed with emotion and change to channel myself into my creative projects. The problem has been, I’ve always been way too sensitive and I feel far too much on a deeper level. On the plus side, I have enough self-awareness to see when I am wrong, see when I am being too sensitive, feeling too much. I can recognize my errors no problem.

What I can’t seem to do sometimes is to find my way out and back to the land of creation.

Hermit Saturday

Hermit Saturday

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Hiding from the world today, writing my heart out. These days are rare and I am thankful that I get even this one. Sometimes, writing is the only way I stop myself from saying or doing something that I truly regret. My anger can really bottle up, bubbles of rage that threaten to boil over.

It’s not that I wish that people would do what I say or that things have to go my way. What I wish for is for the vitriol and hate that people spit at me to dial down. I never treat anyone with cruelness and I always send such positivity into their lives. I’m not saying that everyone has to treat me super kind, especially if that isn’t who they are. All I want is a basic level of respect. If they have something to say, even if it’s a complaint, why do they speak with such a clear intention to hurt?

Why can’t they say what they feel with the same respect that I give them? I just don’t want to be someone’s punching bag, but at the end of the day the truth remains: you just cannot control people. And that’s why I write–write everything out. Because it’s still a tough pill for me to swallow–that kindness doesn’t equate someone treating you with the basic level of common decency. You can truly do so much for someone and be guaranteed less than nothing. In these circumstances, I just wish that I could receive nothing back, because it’s less than nothing is so much worse.

My hope is that writing will ease the sting of negativity and that sadness will be replaced with inner strength…

 

 

Sunday Motivation: Move Along

Sunday Motivation: Move Along

I’ve always held this song from All American Rejects close to my heart.

This has been a rough week for me–but I know it has been a tough one for us all. With all of the unexpected suicides catching our breaths and reminding us that we all face struggles. For me, it also makes me realize that what we are searching for may not be what we need. We always think that we need wealth and a better job–but that may not be the thing that can heal us. It can make us feel so hopeless when we realize that we thought would help us, simply doesn’t. So what do we do? How do we make it through? We move along–this song couldn’t be more poignant, so heartfelt, and inspiring.

Lyrics–Move Along

By: All American Rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall, everyone stands
Another day, and you’ve had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you’ve lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong, we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do (Know you do)
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

Songwriters: Nick Wheeler / Tyson Ritter
(From google.com)
My Vision of Success?

My Vision of Success?

My last few posts have fallen on the negative side and I truly wish there was no need to travel such a low path.

The reason that I’ve allowed myself to remain honest with how I feel is because I value emotional truth. I just don’t think that lying to oneself does any favors but suppress an uncomfortable sensation. For me, attempting to stamp out any unpleasant emotions does nothing but ensure a future explosion.

I had an idea today that I wanted to try to see if I could help myself head towards genuine positivity: my vision of success. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I feel depressed and anxious and it has a lot to do with being unable to change my current circumstances. I have no issue toughing  every day existence–I just want to know when it will all be over. But the problem is, I can’t say when ‘over’ will be. So that’s why I thought about taking out my journal and really contemplating what my vision of success would be. Perhaps if I honestly wrote on paper what I’m looking for in this life, that would give me that answer of what the ‘end’ would be of my crappy situation?

I am not sure but it is worth a try.

 

 

Attempting to Separate Myself from My Emotions…

Attempting to Separate Myself from My Emotions…

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The past few weeks have left me inundated with sadness. I have tried every attempt to cheer myself up but it has resulted in nothing but poor decisions and impulse purchases. I wish that shopping wasn’t such a cathartic experience because I just stack on my debt this way. Unfortunately, nothing but buying has been able to keep my mind off my negative emotions.

I have tried and tried to determine what is causing my glum mood but I know that it is too many different factors. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve outgrown much of my life and just feel so powerless to change my current circumstances. Every type of change requires so many countless steps that I just can’t keep up with it. For example, I’ve been trying to eliminate the paper clutter in my place. I have stacks and stacks of paper to sort and deal with. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal–however–I have tons of important documents I have to keep and so it can’t just be a simple task of dumping all the papers in a shredder. I have to sort, evaluate, and work through every fucking sheet and it can’t just be a “one and done task.”

I feel this way about everything in my life that I need to change. Don’t get me wrong–I am willing to do the work and have no problem taking accountability for my actions and the mistakes I have made. The problem comes in being simply overwhelmed by the complexity of everything. There is not “one and done” change that I can make in my life. Everything is has to be sorted, evaluated, and worked through. The only quick task I can complete is to separate myself from my negativity, sadness. I understand that I feel really low but I am still separating myself from these feelings–doing everything to not allow them to consume me…

 

(Image credit: pixabay.com).

Lost in Anxiety

Lost in Anxiety

I am not certain why each day has left me more and more anxious. I feel like I am doing everything wrong and couldn’t be more lost.

There’s so many things that I need to change–to mend–and I can’t figure out where to begin. I don’t know why I struggle so much to figure out my life. I am a constant seeker of knowledge–running to the self-help books and guides with the hopes that I will acquire the wisdom required to fix everything. But the lessons I apply from my readings simply aren’t working.

Years ago, I seemed to have everything figured out–even though I was absolutely headed nowhere in my life. The lack of ascension didn’t really seem to matter, because I was hopeful every day and took action every day. Now, all the hope has burned out. I’m left with anxiety, uncertainty for the future, and fear.

I just want to hide from it all–disappear from my problems. I treasure life so much, and that’s why I detest being so consumed with these negative emotions…

 

(Image credit pixabay.com)