The more time you spend around me, you might begin to wonder if I have an angry side. I don’t really show it to the outside world because I think that there’s enough negativity and I try not to add to it if I can. But I’m only human, and sometimes I have to say no to sticking my head in the sand.
I’ve had a situation in my life where people aren’t listening–people just don’t give a fuck. It’s tough sometimes because when people don’t care (or give the appearance that they don’t) it feels like you are being shamed for standing up for yourself. Others don’t want you to rock the boat because that would mean that they have to do something about it and the only thing they want to do is sit on their phone and waste away. But at the same time, I didn’t ask to be in this situation and I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to it.
Sometimes, it feels like people don’t want you to fight back. I’m sure I feel this way in part because of my perspective, but man, it really does feel like this sometimes. I don’t want to be pushed aside because I’m standing up for myself. No one knows how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, and it makes me really mad when I gather all of this courage and am shamed for it.
It’s been a challenging week in regards to staying true to some major decisions I made a few months back. It can be tough to make big changes for a variety of reasons; a lot of times life will not welcome these bold moves for one reason or another. When you try to take a step forward, there will be obstacles to try to push you back a few paces.
I made a choice a few months ago to cut some toxic people from my life. People whose existence does nothing but stress and antagonize me. I’m by no means, a fair weathered friend. These were people that I’ve stuck by for years and years but they just are incapable of change. I can tell that the further we continue the relationship, the more it’s them depending on me, me being there for them. I’m at a point in my life where large changes are very necessary. There is no way that I can focus on healing and improving my life and keeping up with those folks.
It can be tough to say no to codependent people, because immediately they cling and fight to stay close. It’s challenging enough to wake up and say that some relationships are too toxic, these people are wrong, and then to have deal with their begging and pleading for you to not give up on them. I never say anything mean to people, and I make every effort to treat others with the utmost respect. So for me, I’m not telling these people to “f off,” I am merely giving myself a respectable distance from them.
As much as it sucks to deal with codependent people, I am grateful for the clarity to see them for who they really are and the wisdom to know that they shouldn’t be around. The reason that cutting out toxic people can be so healing because not only is their negative influence not around, but you are telling yourself that you are worth more than that.
WHEW, what a week.
It’s been an emotional one for sure, and it has required all of my patience, inner strength, and courage to make it through. I’ve had to deal with a few moody people. Don’t get me wrong, people don’t always have to be happy and perfect. I get it myself–we are all human.
I just have a hard time when I didn’t do anything to upset or trouble them, but I am at the brunt of their emotions. I always treat people with respect and if you get to know me, you’ll see that I am a friendly person who goes out of her way to treat everyone with respect. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or say that I’m the best person ever, I just mean that I never go out of my way to be rude to anyone. And it hurts to deal with people being angry with you because you happen to catch them at the wrong place at the wrong time. It makes things really awkward–my challenge has been to not internalize it.
I’m just holding onto this weekend, just trying to take a moment for myself here and there, but there has been a lot going on, and there isn’t much time for me to lounge around. It might be for the best though, so that I don’t spend too much time pondering it.
I just would like to get better at not allowing others to affect my moods so much.