It’s been a challenging week in regards to staying true to some major decisions I made a few months back. It can be tough to make big changes for a variety of reasons; a lot of times life will not welcome these bold moves for one reason or another. When you try to take a step forward, there will be obstacles to try to push you back a few paces.
I made a choice a few months ago to cut some toxic people from my life. People whose existence does nothing but stress and antagonize me. I’m by no means, a fair weathered friend. These were people that I’ve stuck by for years and years but they just are incapable of change. I can tell that the further we continue the relationship, the more it’s them depending on me, me being there for them. I’m at a point in my life where large changes are very necessary. There is no way that I can focus on healing and improving my life and keeping up with those folks.
It can be tough to say no to codependent people, because immediately they cling and fight to stay close. It’s challenging enough to wake up and say that some relationships are too toxic, these people are wrong, and then to have deal with their begging and pleading for you to not give up on them. I never say anything mean to people, and I make every effort to treat others with the utmost respect. So for me, I’m not telling these people to “f off,” I am merely giving myself a respectable distance from them.
As much as it sucks to deal with codependent people, I am grateful for the clarity to see them for who they really are and the wisdom to know that they shouldn’t be around. The reason that cutting out toxic people can be so healing because not only is their negative influence not around, but you are telling yourself that you are worth more than that.
There’s something about the night in summer that is more calming to me than the nights of winter. Throughout this past season, I felt like the nights were far too long and dark. The endless night stretched towards infinity, threatening at any instance to swallow me up.
But I feel at peace now, so grateful for the changing season of both nature and life. I’m so thankful that things don’t have to remain the same, that life has its own way of moving on.
When scrolling through pinterest the other day, I came across the following bit of sound advice: Appreciate how far you’ve come.
I can’t resonate with this quote enough.
Sometimes the days blend together and every day feels like one copy of another. But when you look back, you see that there was a change, that life isn’t the same as a few months ago.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve worked my crappy job, every day I have literally woken up in relief. I feel at peace to not have to be subjected to such a toxic establishment and am eternally grateful for the normalcy of my new job.
People don’t know how bad it was, and I don’t want to bring it up and or rehash the past or anything. I just feel so grateful to be gone from that. I do get a sense that some people like to complain about work in general but I want those people to know that some jobs really can be a lot more awful than others. I have lost all of my complaints about work, I truly have nothing to complain about.
Even Monday, I don’t say “oh it’s Monday” anymore. Monday doesn’t bother me, because any day of the week at a shit job just sucks. I can see now a few weeks out, how dysfunctional it really was. I am only upset that I allowed myself to be in such an environment for so long. I wish I had gotten out months ago, but in a weird way, I see that going through terrible circumstances really changes you, it will make you stronger and wiser in a way that you may not understand–until it is over.
WHEW, what a week.
It’s been an emotional one for sure, and it has required all of my patience, inner strength, and courage to make it through. I’ve had to deal with a few moody people. Don’t get me wrong, people don’t always have to be happy and perfect. I get it myself–we are all human.
I just have a hard time when I didn’t do anything to upset or trouble them, but I am at the brunt of their emotions. I always treat people with respect and if you get to know me, you’ll see that I am a friendly person who goes out of her way to treat everyone with respect. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or say that I’m the best person ever, I just mean that I never go out of my way to be rude to anyone. And it hurts to deal with people being angry with you because you happen to catch them at the wrong place at the wrong time. It makes things really awkward–my challenge has been to not internalize it.
I’m just holding onto this weekend, just trying to take a moment for myself here and there, but there has been a lot going on, and there isn’t much time for me to lounge around. It might be for the best though, so that I don’t spend too much time pondering it.
I just would like to get better at not allowing others to affect my moods so much.
I’ve owned Marie Kondo’s books for a while now, but have failed to take the time to read them. I often feel too rushed to curl up with a book. But after enjoying one episode of her new Netflix series, I pushed myself to make time to read. It’s always going to be busy and I no longer want this to be an excuse anymore.
I’m intrigued by Marie’s KonMari organizational method because of its different approach. I’ve never completed any of the steps of KonMari before and sure enough, I’ve never been able to master being organized. If I see myself constantly failing at something, I’m one of those people who isn’t stubborn in the slightest. If I keep screwing up, I’m sure I’m the common denominator and I’m more than happy to abandon everything I know and try something different.
The main discrepancy between my old approach and the KonMari method is the focus. In the past, I would just focus on cleaning rooms. Marie says that this avenue doesn’t work–cleaning rooms is mostly shuffling stuff from one room to another. And this is accurate, as I mainly just stuff things where I can. No surprise, the mess always returns. Nowadays, I just don’t have the time to keep redoing my work, so I’ve just stopped cleaning. I’m sure an outsider would call this laziness, for me it’s frustration. The work I do is undone, it’s my fault it’s undone, and I don’t know how to make it better. I know it’s me, I know I’m not doing something correctly, but I don’t have time to just keep wasting my time.
Hence why I’ve turned to really delving into the KonMari method–to have an expert tell me what to do to get on track. What’s great about books is that the expert can be there in spirit, guiding you on a better path. What I love about reading Marie’s book, Spark Joy is that she is not stating the obvious. Many of her insights are completely illuminating, and I’ve found myself asking new questions about my organizational process.
My biggest question has been: what sparks joy in my life?
Sadly, I don’t have the slightest insight into what possessions give me joy. I’ve always seen my clutter as an enemy, it’s tough to think about it in a positive way. But I see why I have so much stuff, because it’s impossible for me to discern what I really treasure. I can tell that this will be a process and that I’m going to have to work on it every day. Well, at least it’s the new year and I can’t think of a more timely moment to begin a new journey.
The past few weeks have left me inundated with sadness. I have tried every attempt to cheer myself up but it has resulted in nothing but poor decisions and impulse purchases. I wish that shopping wasn’t such a cathartic experience because I just stack on my debt this way. Unfortunately, nothing but buying has been able to keep my mind off my negative emotions.
I have tried and tried to determine what is causing my glum mood but I know that it is too many different factors. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve outgrown much of my life and just feel so powerless to change my current circumstances. Every type of change requires so many countless steps that I just can’t keep up with it. For example, I’ve been trying to eliminate the paper clutter in my place. I have stacks and stacks of paper to sort and deal with. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal–however–I have tons of important documents I have to keep and so it can’t just be a simple task of dumping all the papers in a shredder. I have to sort, evaluate, and work through every fucking sheet and it can’t just be a “one and done task.”
I feel this way about everything in my life that I need to change. Don’t get me wrong–I am willing to do the work and have no problem taking accountability for my actions and the mistakes I have made. The problem comes in being simply overwhelmed by the complexity of everything. There is not “one and done” change that I can make in my life. Everything is has to be sorted, evaluated, and worked through. The only quick task I can complete is to separate myself from my negativity, sadness. I understand that I feel really low but I am still separating myself from these feelings–doing everything to not allow them to consume me…
(Image credit: pixabay.com).