Fighting Back

Fighting Back

The more time you spend around me, you might begin to wonder if I have an angry side. I don’t really show it to the outside world because I think that there’s enough negativity and I try not to add to it if I can. But I’m only human, and sometimes I have to say no to sticking my head in the sand.

I’ve had a situation in my life where people aren’t listening–people just don’t give a fuck. It’s tough sometimes because when people don’t care (or give the appearance that they don’t) it feels like you are being shamed for standing up for yourself. Others don’t want you to rock the boat because that would mean that they have to do something about it and the only thing they want to do is sit on their phone and waste away. But at the same time, I didn’t ask to be in this situation and I’m doing everything in my power to put an end to it.

Sometimes, it feels like people don’t want you to fight back. I’m sure I feel this way in part because of my perspective, but man, it really does feel like this sometimes. I don’t want to be pushed aside because I’m standing up for myself. No one knows how hard it is for me to stand up for myself, and it makes me really mad when I gather all of this courage and am shamed for it.

 

Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity

Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity


I’ve allowed life to pass me by and I’ve been stuck in one hell of a rut. I’ve lost my way–any sense of direction. I want to be creative again, even if it’s simple, small stuff.

Even if I’m just scribbling doodles on a piece of scrap paper, I just want to be true to my artistic nature.

I’m annoyed with myself from wasting so much time focusing on the wrong things in life. I can’t get that time back and all I can think about is how many great ideas I lost by not giving them the time of day. Being an adult is about rediscovering what is important to you, and I’ve made the wrong things important to me for a long time.

I don’t want anything tangible anymore, I just want to make stuff again…

Credit:
-Images from Pixabay.com

Struggling with Negative Thoughts

Struggling with Negative Thoughts

For the past few months, I’ve noticed my anxiety steadily increasing. It’s gone from random thoughts here and there to a continuous sense of dread and panic. My heart feels heavy in my chest and my shoulders are rigid, stiff.

I’ve been making every effort to combat the emotions, to focus on anything other than the fear. I know now that I’m going to really have to fight to overcome the emotions because they won’t go away on their own. However, none of my efforts seem to be able to quench them. I do everything I can to get my mind off the nervousness, but it doesn’t seem to work. Because before I realize it–I’m trapped in this bubble of negative thoughts.

I’d do anything to be rid of the fear but one step I’ve had to take is to stop lying to myself. I’m brutally honest with how I feel, and when something is and isn’t working for me anymore. One thing that hasn’t helped (and used to be a big source of comfort) was reading anxiety quotes. Now, I can honesty say that they do nothing for me and give me no relief.

The reason is because I understand that anxiety is within the mind and that it’s up to me to “control how I feel” and “see the big picture.” However, I obviously can’t do those things. Am I stuck with anxiety since I cannot control my emotions? You know what I mean? I understand it already– I get that I am the problem, that I am the cause of it all. But that stark assessment doesn’t provide me with any solution or make me feel comforted.

Hitting a Creative Block

Hitting a Creative Block

From a creative standpoint, I have hit a block.

Whether it be writing, drawing, or music, I have been stalled in the creation process. I think for the past couple of months, I have tried too hard. I pushed myself to write, paint, craft–create anything that I could come up with.

I feel like a runaway train that has finally crashed, unable to will herself to move forward. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve made a lot of changes in my personal life, recently leaving a toxic job. I identified with certain people, expectations, and beliefs, and various amounts of these three aspects had to be let go.  To be a bit more specific (since I can tell how vague I am coming off) I am thinking of a few people that I spent so much time with, thought we were good friends, acquaintances, whatever. But in the end, they just ended up showing their true colors–coming off uncaring and cold.

On one level, I understand that this is who they’ve always been, and I was doing my best to see the best in people who were essentially jerks. I just feel upset though that they couldn’t be anything better in the end, and that I allowed myself to keep trying to believe in them. I know it’s my fault for continuing to invest in them, but I have let them go this week. They can go on and keep being them, I’m not going to extend myself any further for them.

While it’s extremely healing to release toxic people from your life, I have been too overwhelmed with emotion and change to channel myself into my creative projects. The problem has been, I’ve always been way too sensitive and I feel far too much on a deeper level. On the plus side, I have enough self-awareness to see when I am wrong, see when I am being too sensitive, feeling too much. I can recognize my errors no problem.

What I can’t seem to do sometimes is to find my way out and back to the land of creation.

Made it to Sunday

Made it to Sunday

WHEW, what a week.

It’s been an emotional one for sure, and it has required all of my patience, inner strength, and courage to make it through. I’ve had to deal with a few moody people. Don’t get me wrong, people don’t always have to be happy and perfect. I get it myself–we are all human.

I just have a hard time when I didn’t do anything to upset or trouble them, but I am at the brunt of their emotions. I always treat people with respect and if you get to know me, you’ll see that I am a friendly person who goes out of her way to treat everyone with respect. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or say that I’m the best person ever, I just mean that I never go out of my way to be rude to anyone. And it hurts to deal with people being angry with you because you happen to catch them at the wrong place at the wrong time. It makes things really awkward–my challenge has been to not internalize it.

I’m just holding onto this weekend, just trying to take a moment for myself here and there, but there has been a lot going on, and there isn’t much time for me to lounge around. It might be for the best though, so that I don’t spend too much time pondering it.

I just would like to get better at not allowing others to affect my moods so much.

A Lesson in Nerves

A Lesson in Nerves

Today was more than a regular Tuesday for me. I have some goals of mine coming down the pipeline, but it isn’t things that I can just ask for. I can think of a few current wishes that would require me to be selected, not things that I can pick myself. I plan to go into more detail later on. I don’t wish to be so vague, I have to wait to see what happens.

So of course, I’ve been a bundle of nerves. My nerves show up the minute I deviate from the norm. Even though it is the end of the day for me, I’m fairly certain that my stomach is currently resting in my throat at this moment.

I’m scared, big time. I’m frighten of failing, missing out on an opportunity. I am definitely grateful for the good things in life. I just am worried that I am going to lose my chance. When it comes to things that I’m trying to change, sometimes, it feels like I only have a few chances. I know this has a lot to do with my inaccurate perception, and I need to make every effort to see things in life as clearly as possible.

I just don’t want to mess up.

My nerves have completely taken over.