Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity

Saturday Night Musings–Fighting for My Creativity


I’ve allowed life to pass me by and I’ve been stuck in one hell of a rut. I’ve lost my way–any sense of direction. I want to be creative again, even if it’s simple, small stuff.

Even if I’m just scribbling doodles on a piece of scrap paper, I just want to be true to my artistic nature.

I’m annoyed with myself from wasting so much time focusing on the wrong things in life. I can’t get that time back and all I can think about is how many great ideas I lost by not giving them the time of day. Being an adult is about rediscovering what is important to you, and I’ve made the wrong things important to me for a long time.

I don’t want anything tangible anymore, I just want to make stuff again…

Credit:
-Images from Pixabay.com

Hitting a Creative Block

Hitting a Creative Block

From a creative standpoint, I have hit a block.

Whether it be writing, drawing, or music, I have been stalled in the creation process. I think for the past couple of months, I have tried too hard. I pushed myself to write, paint, craft–create anything that I could come up with.

I feel like a runaway train that has finally crashed, unable to will herself to move forward. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve made a lot of changes in my personal life, recently leaving a toxic job. I identified with certain people, expectations, and beliefs, and various amounts of these three aspects had to be let go.  To be a bit more specific (since I can tell how vague I am coming off) I am thinking of a few people that I spent so much time with, thought we were good friends, acquaintances, whatever. But in the end, they just ended up showing their true colors–coming off uncaring and cold.

On one level, I understand that this is who they’ve always been, and I was doing my best to see the best in people who were essentially jerks. I just feel upset though that they couldn’t be anything better in the end, and that I allowed myself to keep trying to believe in them. I know it’s my fault for continuing to invest in them, but I have let them go this week. They can go on and keep being them, I’m not going to extend myself any further for them.

While it’s extremely healing to release toxic people from your life, I have been too overwhelmed with emotion and change to channel myself into my creative projects. The problem has been, I’ve always been way too sensitive and I feel far too much on a deeper level. On the plus side, I have enough self-awareness to see when I am wrong, see when I am being too sensitive, feeling too much. I can recognize my errors no problem.

What I can’t seem to do sometimes is to find my way out and back to the land of creation.

Sunset at Sophie’s Beach House

Sunset at Sophie’s Beach House

IMG_2698

Wow, I can’t believe my little sister is only 11. Her maturity and grace far surpass my own, even though I’m several decades older than her. I’m clueless with kids, even around my own little sister, so I always ask her to tell me what she wants for her birthday. She didn’t want anything (she was too cool for gifts) but I insisted that I paint her something.

I’m one of those people who should give up on their art but for some weird reason I keep wanting to paint–even though I suck. I paint pictures for people all the time, even if they don’t want them. So my sister was my next on my list of people to force my ugly paintings on. She asked for a beach painting, so I thought of the cliche beach at sunset for her.

I’m actually really happy with the outcome of this painting. It’s simple and unoriginal, but I love it because it is what it is. I find it calming and pleasant and really love how the sunset turned out.

I hope she likes it 🙂

A Saturday Night Ritual-Midnight Pictures

A Saturday Night Ritual-Midnight Pictures

I’m usually passed out around this time of night but I wanted to fight the urge to turn in.

I deserve a break from adulting for a least one silly night a week.

I worked on snapping some pictures for my poetry book that I plan on self-publishing. At first I thought of completing some illustrations, but all of my efforts look like a childish, amateurish mess. I would love to collaborate with a real illustrator but this project is so tiny that I couldn’t afford to pay them.

I’m a staunch believer that all artists deserve a fair pay.

Plus, my only goal with making this book is to show myself that I have a right to be a writer, and so there is no hope or goal of any financial success. The only success is to muck up the courage to create a book out of it.

So I ended up using black and white photographs. I think it looks a lot more romantic, and loads more professional than my paintings could ever make it. All of the photo used a noir filter and really played with light, trying to evoke that magical late-night feel. They remind me of an evening ritual that lasts throughout the night.

I hope others feel magic and mystery from them.

 

IMG-5905

IMG-5917

IMG-5956