My Self-Published Baby: February Rain

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Not the most articulate stream of thoughts but exactly how I’m feeling today, now that I am holding my self-published book, February Rain. It is so surreal to stare at this book, something come to life from the depths of my mind. I am in absolute awe of it, and find it strange to look at something and feel this instant burst of happiness.

It’s weird for me since so many things annoy me, this sensation of joy is just an odd feeling. But I feel such warmth and happiness from this book, and this is precisely why I self-published it.

I don’t mind if I don’t sell a single copy, I am just so happy to see it come to life.


Ahhh I just love how sleek and polished the cover looks. I had such trouble making it appear professional but I am so happy to see that it came out really nice.

Focusing on Belief instead of Worry

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Ahhhhh Pinterest.

I can’t tell you how many times Pinterest has pulled me from a dark mood. I always benefit from the intuitive nature of the app. Meaning, I take value from the pins they suggest, based on what I’ve liked in the past.

So when I boot up the app, a slew of inspiration quotes and affirmations typically splash across my screen. With my uncontrollable nerves, I’ve been focusing more on quotes instead of my usual DIYs and Halloween costume ideas.

I wanted to share one of the pins below that I’ve gathered great healing from:


When nerves strike up, for me it is constantly an experience that I can’t control. I am paralyzed by fear and completely trapped by my own thoughts. There isn’t much energy left. However, there is still a little bit there–even if it’s just a drop.

Whatever is energy that I have left should be used to believe instead of worry.

This is this only part of worrying that can be controlled, consciously choosing to use my scraps of energy for something good. It was a subtle change but this quote was what I really needed. Am I still worried about my problems? Hell yes. But focusing the remaining energy on believing in myself has taken that sharp edge off.

I’m going to make every effort to keep up with this practice. When I catch myself worrying about something, I want to make every conscious effort to try to focus on keeping faith in my abilities.

I don’t know if it will lead to any significant changes but it beats 100% fear and worry.

A Lesson in Nerves

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Today was more than a regular Tuesday for me. I have some goals of mine coming down the pipeline, but it isn’t things that I can just ask for. I can think of a few current wishes that would require me to be selected, not things that I can pick myself. I plan to go into more detail later on. I don’t wish to be so vague, I have to wait to see what happens.

So of course, I’ve been a bundle of nerves. My nerves show up the minute I deviate from the norm. Even though it is the end of the day for me, I’m fairly certain that my stomach is currently resting in my throat at this moment.

I’m scared, big time. I’m frighten of failing, missing out on an opportunity. I am definitely grateful for the good things in life. I just am worried that I am going to lose my chance. When it comes to things that I’m trying to change, sometimes, it feels like I only have a few chances. I know this has a lot to do with my inaccurate perception, and I need to make every effort to see things in life as clearly as possible.

I just don’t want to mess up.

My nerves have completely taken over.


Wanna Hide Tonight

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Of course, it’s Sunday evening.

Whenever I look, it always the end of a day.

I only want to stay in my room and hide for the rest of the week. I’m anxious because I have so many changes that I am working on implementing in my life. I get highly annoyed with myself because it’s like I want things to stay the same crappy way that they have always been. I know this isn’t the case, I want change. But when I think about all of the different factors that have to change, I get really nervous.

I can’t seem to control it.

I’m afraid that things are gonna fall apart, that the attempt of change will just be too tough. I worry that I’m going to make things worse than they already are. I’m afraid that I am never going to be able to figure it out, that things are going to stay as they are. I think this line of thinking comes from failing so much in my personal projects.

These projects sometimes seem like my only way out. And when they fail, I feel like I really have nothing after that.

Giving Up on a Creative Project

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These past couple of weeks have been insanely busy.

From a creative perspective, I have really struggled to keep chipping away at my projects. I hate to be such a slow worker, but haste always makes waste whenever I rush my projects.

This entire week, I’ve been tackling boring adulting tasks sometimes up to midnight-only to crash and be up at the crack of dawn.

Rinse and repeat.

I decided to let go of my podcast idea that I had been working on for a few years. I was very sad to let it go, but I just couldn’t bring the project to fruition. I tried over and over, and made countless episodes. But when I listened to my episodes, I always sounded so nervous.

I found it so frustrating, that I would work on a project so many times, but still come off so nervous and unprepared. I’m not sure why I couldn’t calm down, and that’s when the realization came that this probably wasn’t a good idea to continue.

I just keep thinking about all of the time I’ve wasted on it. Time I didn’t have, but carved out to work on it.

A Saturday Night Ritual-Midnight Pictures

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I’m usually passed out around this time of night but I wanted to fight the urge to turn in.

I deserve a break from adulting for a least one silly night a week.

I worked on snapping some pictures for my poetry book that I plan on self-publishing. At first I thought of completing some illustrations, but all of my efforts look like a childish, amateurish mess. I would love to collaborate with a real illustrator but this project is so tiny that I couldn’t afford to pay them.

I’m a staunch believer that all artists deserve a fair pay.

Plus, my only goal with making this book is to show myself that I have a right to be a writer, and so there is no hope or goal of any financial success. The only success is to muck up the courage to create a book out of it.

So I ended up using black and white photographs. I think it looks a lot more romantic, and loads more professional than my paintings could ever make it. All of the photo used a noir filter and really played with light, trying to evoke that magical late-night feel. They remind me of an evening ritual that lasts throughout the night.

I hope others feel magic and mystery from them.






Struggling to Change

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Man, these weeks really have been a lot about burning the midnight oil. There are so many aspects about my life that I want to change, and I don’t know where to start.

I’m struggling every day to keep my head above water. The problem is that I work so slow, I make my important decisions at such a sluggish pace, and I don’t know how to “figure things out faster.” I have a slew of changes to make but I don’t know which changes to work on during each day. Because every day, I have enough going on without the change aspect part. But if I don’t make something new happen, then everything really does stay the same.

What I’ve found is that time helps me think, work out my solutions. All I really do at this point is to stay up as late as possible, working on as many projects as I can. I hate to overdo it, but this is the only solution that I know. I just wish I could whirl away the brain fog and just have an sense of clarity. It would be amazing to know what I had to do to get myself on a better path.

Fighting My Fear of Creativity

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I’ve chosen to take the plunge and self-publish a collection of poems that I’ve been working on. However, I’ve been terrified since I decided to do this. Panic sits in the center of my chest whenever I ponder the thought, and my breaking becomes shallow.

I’m fighting with myself hard, because I just want to hide. I never feel like my creativity is worth it, I never believe that anyone would want to read anything I’ve written. My reasoning for self-publishing isn’t even to be successful, or to have anything amazing come out of it. I just want to prove to myself that I can finish my creative projects. I always sabotage myself when I’m about to finish a creative project–I just can’t shake the worthlessness. I think my reasoning for self-publishing is reasonable, it isn’t based on anything outlandish. It’s a personal reason too (which I think is wise) so there isn’t any reason to “fail” aside from not doing it at all.

But I am so scared, I think because if one person were to buy the book and they hated it, I’d feel so crushed by it. I’m always scared about what others think, even now I’m hyperventilating in my room, just thinking about the thought of self-publishing. I am so ridiculous! So many books get published every month, no one would even see my stuff…but I am still terrified.

Excuse me while I go hide under the covers *_____*

image credit:

2.19 General Tarot Reading

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I’ve been a bundle of emotions these past couple of weeks. The stress at the day job has steadily increased from “too much” to “unbearable.” I’ve been looking for something better but there has hardly been jobs I can apply for. These events have left me feeling so stuck. When I’m stuck, I go to the cards for advice.

This is a general 3-card spread that I do: simply shuffling the cards and drawing three cards. I don’t even ponder a question, I’m more curious as to what the cards are interpreting from me. I am a fan of these Believing Heart cards because they capture the essence of attending a school of magic ^_____^

I drew:
Two of Cauldrons (2 of cups)
0-The Fool

It was inspiring to see such strong cards during such a stressful time. The Fool was exceptionally spot-on because spiritually, I have started a new journey towards creating my future. I’ve also been living very spontaneously, so weary of the routine. It’s taken so much courage to press forward (all I want to do is hide) and I can really see the strength needed here. The two of cauldrons speaks to how I’ve been learning on family during this trying time.

Also, seeing the Fool in the center really shows me seeing myself as the Fool. This couldn’t be more accurate, everything that the Fool represents about living in the moment–starting a new journey.

After reading these cards, I see that I just need to meditate more on my strength. I feel so powerless and vulnerable right now, but the cards see something else.

Blog Refocus: Creating My Future

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I’ve been wanting to give my blog direction for a few months, but have struggled to come up with a clear direction.

My problem is always that I am over-inspired, and find many things profoundly interesting. I love living in the information age, it is a lot to take in from the internet but my curious mind is always satisfied (or terrified from what’s out there).

Despite finding many great pieces of knowledge out there, I’ve struggled with a deep sadness–depression. So many parts of my life are lagging behind, I’m just stuck. But what I am doing is taking what I learn every day from this world and trying to apply it to help push my life in a better direction.

A quote from Jim Rohn touches on this perfectly:

“Don’t let your learning lead to knowledge. Let your learning lead to action.”