A Lesson in Nerves

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Today was more than a regular Tuesday for me. I have some goals of mine coming down the pipeline, but it isn’t things that I can just ask for. I can think of a few current wishes that would require me to be selected, not things that I can pick myself. I plan to go into more detail later on. I don’t wish to be so vague, I have to wait to see what happens.

So of course, I’ve been a bundle of nerves. My nerves show up the minute I deviate from the norm. Even though it is the end of the day for me, I’m fairly certain that my stomach is currently resting in my throat at this moment.

I’m scared, big time. I’m frighten of failing, missing out on an opportunity. I am definitely grateful for the good things in life. I just am worried that I am going to lose my chance. When it comes to things that I’m trying to change, sometimes, it feels like I only have a few chances. I know this has a lot to do with my inaccurate perception, and I need to make every effort to see things in life as clearly as possible.

I just don’t want to mess up.

My nerves have completely taken over.


Wanna Hide Tonight

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Of course, it’s Sunday evening.

Whenever I look, it always the end of a day.

I only want to stay in my room and hide for the rest of the week. I’m anxious because I have so many changes that I am working on implementing in my life. I get highly annoyed with myself because it’s like I want things to stay the same crappy way that they have always been. I know this isn’t the case, I want change. But when I think about all of the different factors that have to change, I get really nervous.

I can’t seem to control it.

I’m afraid that things are gonna fall apart, that the attempt of change will just be too tough. I worry that I’m going to make things worse than they already are. I’m afraid that I am never going to be able to figure it out, that things are going to stay as they are. I think this line of thinking comes from failing so much in my personal projects.

These projects sometimes seem like my only way out. And when they fail, I feel like I really have nothing after that.

Giving Up on a Creative Project

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These past couple of weeks have been insanely busy.

From a creative perspective, I have really struggled to keep chipping away at my projects. I hate to be such a slow worker, but haste always makes waste whenever I rush my projects.

This entire week, I’ve been tackling boring adulting tasks sometimes up to midnight-only to crash and be up at the crack of dawn.

Rinse and repeat.

I decided to let go of my podcast idea that I had been working on for a few years. I was very sad to let it go, but I just couldn’t bring the project to fruition. I tried over and over, and made countless episodes. But when I listened to my episodes, I always sounded so nervous.

I found it so frustrating, that I would work on a project so many times, but still come off so nervous and unprepared. I’m not sure why I couldn’t calm down, and that’s when the realization came that this probably wasn’t a good idea to continue.

I just keep thinking about all of the time I’ve wasted on it. Time I didn’t have, but carved out to work on it.

A Saturday Night Ritual-Midnight Pictures

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I’m usually passed out around this time of night but I wanted to fight the urge to turn in.

I deserve a break from adulting for a least one silly night a week.

I worked on snapping some pictures for my poetry book that I plan on self-publishing. At first I thought of completing some illustrations, but all of my efforts look like a childish, amateurish mess. I would love to collaborate with a real illustrator but this project is so tiny that I couldn’t afford to pay them.

I’m a staunch believer that all artists deserve a fair pay.

Plus, my only goal with making this book is to show myself that I have a right to be a writer, and so there is no hope or goal of any financial success. The only success is to muck up the courage to create a book out of it.

So I ended up using black and white photographs. I think it looks a lot more romantic, and loads more professional than my paintings could ever make it. All of the photo used a noir filter and really played with light, trying to evoke that magical late-night feel. They remind me of an evening ritual that lasts throughout the night.

I hope others feel magic and mystery from them.






Struggling to Change

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Man, these weeks really have been a lot about burning the midnight oil. There are so many aspects about my life that I want to change, and I don’t know where to start.

I’m struggling every day to keep my head above water. The problem is that I work so slow, I make my important decisions at such a sluggish pace, and I don’t know how to “figure things out faster.” I have a slew of changes to make but I don’t know which changes to work on during each day. Because every day, I have enough going on without the change aspect part. But if I don’t make something new happen, then everything really does stay the same.

What I’ve found is that time helps me think, work out my solutions. All I really do at this point is to stay up as late as possible, working on as many projects as I can. I hate to overdo it, but this is the only solution that I know. I just wish I could whirl away the brain fog and just have an sense of clarity. It would be amazing to know what I had to do to get myself on a better path.

Fighting My Fear of Creativity

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I’ve chosen to take the plunge and self-publish a collection of poems that I’ve been working on. However, I’ve been terrified since I decided to do this. Panic sits in the center of my chest whenever I ponder the thought, and my breaking becomes shallow.

I’m fighting with myself hard, because I just want to hide. I never feel like my creativity is worth it, I never believe that anyone would want to read anything I’ve written. My reasoning for self-publishing isn’t even to be successful, or to have anything amazing come out of it. I just want to prove to myself that I can finish my creative projects. I always sabotage myself when I’m about to finish a creative project–I just can’t shake the worthlessness. I think my reasoning for self-publishing is reasonable, it isn’t based on anything outlandish. It’s a personal reason too (which I think is wise) so there isn’t any reason to “fail” aside from not doing it at all.

But I am so scared, I think because if one person were to buy the book and they hated it, I’d feel so crushed by it. I’m always scared about what others think, even now I’m hyperventilating in my room, just thinking about the thought of self-publishing. I am so ridiculous! So many books get published every month, no one would even see my stuff…but I am still terrified.

Excuse me while I go hide under the covers *_____*

image credit: pixabay.com

2.19 General Tarot Reading

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I’ve been a bundle of emotions these past couple of weeks. The stress at the day job has steadily increased from “too much” to “unbearable.” I’ve been looking for something better but there has hardly been jobs I can apply for. These events have left me feeling so stuck. When I’m stuck, I go to the cards for advice.

This is a general 3-card spread that I do: simply shuffling the cards and drawing three cards. I don’t even ponder a question, I’m more curious as to what the cards are interpreting from me. I am a fan of these Believing Heart cards because they capture the essence of attending a school of magic ^_____^

I drew:
Two of Cauldrons (2 of cups)
0-The Fool

It was inspiring to see such strong cards during such a stressful time. The Fool was exceptionally spot-on because spiritually, I have started a new journey towards creating my future. I’ve also been living very spontaneously, so weary of the routine. It’s taken so much courage to press forward (all I want to do is hide) and I can really see the strength needed here. The two of cauldrons speaks to how I’ve been learning on family during this trying time.

Also, seeing the Fool in the center really shows me seeing myself as the Fool. This couldn’t be more accurate, everything that the Fool represents about living in the moment–starting a new journey.

After reading these cards, I see that I just need to meditate more on my strength. I feel so powerless and vulnerable right now, but the cards see something else.

Blog Refocus: Creating My Future

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I’ve been wanting to give my blog direction for a few months, but have struggled to come up with a clear direction.

My problem is always that I am over-inspired, and find many things profoundly interesting. I love living in the information age, it is a lot to take in from the internet but my curious mind is always satisfied (or terrified from what’s out there).

Despite finding many great pieces of knowledge out there, I’ve struggled with a deep sadness–depression. So many parts of my life are lagging behind, I’m just stuck. But what I am doing is taking what I learn every day from this world and trying to apply it to help push my life in a better direction.

A quote from Jim Rohn touches on this perfectly:

“Don’t let your learning lead to knowledge. Let your learning lead to action.”

Elon Musk: Shaping Our Futures

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I am a big fan of the Biographics channel and would recommend checking out as many of their videos as you can. I’ve always enjoyed the videos from host Simon Whistler, he seems to delight in learning things for the sake of learning as much as I do. Sometimes I feel like the only nerd out there who wants to feed her brain with as much random and interesting knowledge as she can. Simon seems to be the same, which gives me hope that there are others out there.

With the Biographics channel, you’ll find interesting biographies on a variety of eccentric people. Well, anyone who accomplished anything crazy came off eccentric in one way or another, which also gives me hope that it’s ok to be strange and weird.

Circling back to Elon’s video, what I found strange about him was how he doesn’t allow the impossibility of the obstacle to affect him. Well, even if he does, he still sets out to create the future he wants–which I really found inspiring. Every business idea of his was shot down by the haters who said it couldn’t be done. If I was starting a business with a big idea and a slew of people spoke their disapproval, I’d really doubt myself and feel like I was probably making a bad mistake. But not Elon, when people said space travel couldn’t be handled by anyone other than NASA, well, look who got the contract from them to work on building rockets.

I think I connected with his story for many reasons, but one reason was how I often think that my ideas are dumb, even if no one says they are, I just really doubt myself and expect the worst. But Elon still has people who disagree with his vision and he is still bringing it to life. I think all of us can find such great inspiration in that.

Believing in our ideas, visions, and dreams are what help us to create the life we want.



Adaptational Attractiveness: An Interesting Watch

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This video from Trope Anatomy educates about the concept of adaptational attractiveness, a term that describes when characters from books are represented by much more attractive actors in film adaptations. It’s a concept that I’ve noticed but have never known what to term it as.

I can honestly say that I’ve a gained a new perspective from this video, because I’ve never given much thought to adaptational attractiveness. I think because in the past, I just accepted that actors are always beautiful people. No matter how ‘average’ and ‘ordinary’ they refer themselves as, they are still beautiful. I can’t change Hollywood, so why dwell on it? But now my new perspective is, yes, actors may be gorgeous, but they are still doing a character from a book great disservice by not being represented accurately.

What I like about Trope Anatomy is that their arguments are well-balanced and level, you can tell that they really thinks about all sides before constructing the videos. For Trope, adaptation attractiveness really doesn’t come off problematic unless it affects the story or the character. According to Trope, sometimes the depth and layers of the story can be altered. I never thought about this, but if a character’s arc has anything to do with their outward appearance, then the arc would be compromised in the film version. Also, Trope points out that sometimes a character’s flaws are glossed over to match their appealing appearance. This is definitely a huge issue since characters should never be flawless.

For anyone who enjoys books and films, this video is a very interesting watch. It really shines a light on how films alter characters. Sometimes adaptational attractiveness can be really unconscious, and it surprised me in Trope’s examples, cases of adaptational attractiveness that I completely missed. It made me be aware of the fact that I am sometimes blind to Hollywood glossing up book characters.

That is not a good thing.