Taking Back my Projects

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For the past few months, I have been in survival mode. It’s only been about making it through the day, just completing the most essential of tasks. I am starting to realize that I wasn’t very good at handling my disappointment with a few people in my life, and I bottled everything up and hibernated. I gave them all of my power, and I allowed them to take complete control of my life.

I know that I need to stop blaming them too, I think the reason I have is because it’s been hard for me to process this emotion of disappointment. I don’t do things for others because I expect anything back–the disappointment comes from hoping they will show up in some form or another for you, but they don’t at all.

You aren’t worth anything for them, when they meant so much to them. It can be a really tough pill to shallow, and I’ve had a hell of a time managing to this, but I’m starting to see the light at the end of tunnel. I am starting to see how much healthier and happier my life can be without them. And with this healing taking place, I’m starting to pick up my writing projects again.

Earlier this year, I self published February Rain which was an accomplishment that brought me a lot of joy. For me, the success comes from finishing the project. I had an idea for another poetry book but I haven’t made any effort on it. I’m starting to scribble ideas down and I can feel the momentum building.

My hope is in a few months, I’ll be able to write every day, and take back my projects.

Saturday Night Musings

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There’s something about the night in summer that is more calming to me than the nights of winter. Throughout this past season, I felt like the nights were far too long and dark. The endless night stretched towards infinity, threatening at any instance to swallow me up.

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But I feel at peace now, so grateful for the changing season of both nature and life. I’m so thankful that things don’t have to remain the same, that life has its own way of moving on.

When scrolling through pinterest the other day, I came across the following bit of sound advice: Appreciate how far you’ve come.

I can’t resonate with this quote enough.

Sometimes the days blend together and every day feels like one copy of another. But when you look back, you see that there was a change, that life isn’t the same as a few months ago.

Healing from Dysfunction

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It’s been a few weeks since I’ve worked my crappy job, every day I have literally woken up in relief. I feel at peace to not have to be subjected to such a toxic establishment and am eternally grateful for the normalcy of my new job.

People don’t know how bad it was, and I don’t want to bring it up and or rehash the past or anything. I just feel so grateful to be gone from that. I do get a sense that some people like to complain about work in general but I want those people to know that some jobs really can be a lot more awful than others. I have lost all of my complaints about work, I truly have nothing to complain about.

Even Monday, I don’t say “oh it’s Monday” anymore. Monday doesn’t bother me, because any day of the week at a shit job just sucks. I can see now a few weeks out, how dysfunctional it really was. I am only upset that I allowed myself to be in such an environment for so long. I wish I had gotten out months ago, but in a weird way, I see that going through terrible circumstances really changes you, it will make you stronger and wiser in a way that you may not understand–until it is over.

 

Hitting a Creative Block

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From a creative standpoint, I have hit a block.

Whether it be writing, drawing, or music, I have been stalled in the creation process. I think for the past couple of months, I have tried too hard. I pushed myself to write, paint, craft–create anything that I could come up with.

I feel like a runaway train that has finally crashed, unable to will herself to move forward. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve made a lot of changes in my personal life, recently leaving a toxic job. I identified with certain people, expectations, and beliefs, and various amounts of these three aspects had to be let go.  To be a bit more specific (since I can tell how vague I am coming off) I am thinking of a few people that I spent so much time with, thought we were good friends, acquaintances, whatever. But in the end, they just ended up showing their true colors–coming off uncaring and cold.

On one level, I understand that this is who they’ve always been, and I was doing my best to see the best in people who were essentially jerks. I just feel upset though that they couldn’t be anything better in the end, and that I allowed myself to keep trying to believe in them. I know it’s my fault for continuing to invest in them, but I have let them go this week. They can go on and keep being them, I’m not going to extend myself any further for them.

While it’s extremely healing to release toxic people from your life, I have been too overwhelmed with emotion and change to channel myself into my creative projects. The problem has been, I’ve always been way too sensitive and I feel far too much on a deeper level. On the plus side, I have enough self-awareness to see when I am wrong, see when I am being too sensitive, feeling too much. I can recognize my errors no problem.

What I can’t seem to do sometimes is to find my way out and back to the land of creation.

February Rain, Finally Complete

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When editing a manuscript it is ridiculously easy to become blind to your own errors. Many of my mistakes slip by, even though I’ve really sharpen my editing skills. I’m still nothing close to perfect, English is just far too difficult to understand sometimes.

The more I learn, the less I know.

For example, I’m still struggling to fully differentiate between farther and further. This is probably one example of probably 10 other questions I’m currently researching. I’ve used both words in my own speaking interchangeably, but I’m starting to suspect now that many of those uses were incorrect.

With February Rain, the manuscript was edited numerous times, but when the printed book came out, a few errors stood out like a sore thumb. Thankfully, I was able to catch them and update the book in the amazon store.

After reviewing my newest printed copy, I can say with probably 95% confidence, the book is error-free. I’m one of those writers who will never ever claim to know everything there is to know. I’m always studying and striving to improve my skills and techniques, and I don’t think I’ve ever be perfect, even if I spend the next 50 years locked on a mountain with a bunch of grammar books. If that happened, I’m sure my language would find itself 50 years out of date, since language and always evolving and also, there is always and will be something new to learn.

Reading this version of the book without errors, I was finally able to dive into the poems. I really love this book because I’m still in so much love with the poems. Yes, I am the author, but I do not feel biased, because I usually hate everything that I write when I read it a short while later. I was very surprised to find that I still adore these poems and the images of other realities that it evokes within me. I usually question if I am capable of writing anything interesting, but I am still fascinated with February Rain. 

Sunset at Sophie’s Beach House

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Wow, I can’t believe my little sister is only 11. Her maturity and grace far surpass my own, even though I’m several decades older than her. I’m clueless with kids, even around my own little sister, so I always ask her to tell me what she wants for her birthday. She didn’t want anything (she was too cool for gifts) but I insisted that I paint her something.

I’m one of those people who should give up on their art but for some weird reason I keep wanting to paint–even though I suck. I paint pictures for people all the time, even if they don’t want them. So my sister was my next on my list of people to force my ugly paintings on. She asked for a beach painting, so I thought of the cliche beach at sunset for her.

I’m actually really happy with the outcome of this painting. It’s simple and unoriginal, but I love it because it is what it is. I find it calming and pleasant and really love how the sunset turned out.

I hope she likes it 🙂

Made it to Sunday

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WHEW, what a week.

It’s been an emotional one for sure, and it has required all of my patience, inner strength, and courage to make it through. I’ve had to deal with a few moody people. Don’t get me wrong, people don’t always have to be happy and perfect. I get it myself–we are all human.

I just have a hard time when I didn’t do anything to upset or trouble them, but I am at the brunt of their emotions. I always treat people with respect and if you get to know me, you’ll see that I am a friendly person who goes out of her way to treat everyone with respect. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or say that I’m the best person ever, I just mean that I never go out of my way to be rude to anyone. And it hurts to deal with people being angry with you because you happen to catch them at the wrong place at the wrong time. It makes things really awkward–my challenge has been to not internalize it.

I’m just holding onto this weekend, just trying to take a moment for myself here and there, but there has been a lot going on, and there isn’t much time for me to lounge around. It might be for the best though, so that I don’t spend too much time pondering it.

I just would like to get better at not allowing others to affect my moods so much.

My Self-Published Baby: February Rain

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Omg

Omg

Omg

Omg

Not the most articulate stream of thoughts but exactly how I’m feeling today, now that I am holding my self-published book, February Rain. It is so surreal to stare at this book, something come to life from the depths of my mind. I am in absolute awe of it, and find it strange to look at something and feel this instant burst of happiness.

It’s weird for me since so many things annoy me, this sensation of joy is just an odd feeling. But I feel such warmth and happiness from this book, and this is precisely why I self-published it.

I don’t mind if I don’t sell a single copy, I am just so happy to see it come to life.

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Ahhh I just love how sleek and polished the cover looks. I had such trouble making it appear professional but I am so happy to see that it came out really nice.

Focusing on Belief instead of Worry

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Ahhhhh Pinterest.

I can’t tell you how many times Pinterest has pulled me from a dark mood. I always benefit from the intuitive nature of the app. Meaning, I take value from the pins they suggest, based on what I’ve liked in the past.

So when I boot up the app, a slew of inspiration quotes and affirmations typically splash across my screen. With my uncontrollable nerves, I’ve been focusing more on quotes instead of my usual DIYs and Halloween costume ideas.

I wanted to share one of the pins below that I’ve gathered great healing from:

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When nerves strike up, for me it is constantly an experience that I can’t control. I am paralyzed by fear and completely trapped by my own thoughts. There isn’t much energy left. However, there is still a little bit there–even if it’s just a drop.

Whatever is energy that I have left should be used to believe instead of worry.

This is this only part of worrying that can be controlled, consciously choosing to use my scraps of energy for something good. It was a subtle change but this quote was what I really needed. Am I still worried about my problems? Hell yes. But focusing the remaining energy on believing in myself has taken that sharp edge off.

I’m going to make every effort to keep up with this practice. When I catch myself worrying about something, I want to make every conscious effort to try to focus on keeping faith in my abilities.

I don’t know if it will lead to any significant changes but it beats 100% fear and worry.